@drugleaf

the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree

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@daemonic3

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

@Burger_Time_

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

@dreamthievin

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

@SarcasticAlly12

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

@VodkaDietSoda

The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I’m eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.

@withanewname

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Apparently “Which one?” wasn’t the best answer when my gf’s dad asked me “What are your intentions with my daughter?”

@Brampersandon_

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

@nPhelendriqal

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”