Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
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Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I’m eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Apparently “Which one?” wasn’t the best answer when my gf’s dad asked me “What are your intentions with my daughter?”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”