The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out