The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone