The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.