@Storminika

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

You Might Also Like

@Sickayduh

[NBA Postgame]
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*

“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”

“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”

@mrjohndarby

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

@TheAlexNevil

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

@missmayn

Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.

@donttouchjames

me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems

also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened

@danjan13

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

@tastefactory

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

@shariv67

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.