The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

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[NBA Postgame]
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*

“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”

“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”


me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny


Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.


Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…


Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.


Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.


me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems

also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened


No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.


*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.


Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.