It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I already tried new things thanks.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.