the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
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I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.