The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
congratulations to them
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan