The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th