The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
You Might Also Like
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
What about second breakfast?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites