The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
You Might Also Like
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.