@flashember

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

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@GorillaNipples1

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

@cottoncandaddy

date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?

me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom

@AmandaRNH

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

@UncleDuke1969

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@Roy_oh_Roy

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

@Try2StopME

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

@stenokel

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

@loribuckmajor

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

@Darlainky

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

@liv_thatsme

*writes kid’s name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*