the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
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Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”