the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
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Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.