The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
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I found your tweet-up…
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting