The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
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I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you