@nachosarah

the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be

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@justokpanda

World’s Most Dangerous Bees

6. Honey
5. Killer
4. Fris
3. Hucka
2. Zom
1. Apple

@GABBYdaAngSaya

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@anniealone23

A message for my stalker:

I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning

@causticbob

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

@Michael1979

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

@Vodkantots

My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all.

He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.

@TheReal_AndyMac

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops