the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they’re missing or you want them to be

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World’s Most Dangerous Bees

6. Honey
5. Killer
4. Fris
3. Hucka
2. Zom
1. Apple


911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*


*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
*snake noises*
*slithers out of relationship*


A message for my stalker:

I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning


A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”


Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press


My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all.

He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.


“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops