The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
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Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.