Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
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I NEVER RELATED TO ANYTHING MORE IN MY LIFE
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Roses are red
Violets are phony
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
Me: Not today Satan.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.