The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
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*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
*lint rolls you awake*
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.