@solsayswhaaa

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

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@13spencer

An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying “good boy.”

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

@SouthernStylin1

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

@maebemarbles

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

@CAshmanActor

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son