The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.