I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
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*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Some people were born into their job.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Did I do this right
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.