When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.
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*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.
If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me