The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word