The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
#NeverForget
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Traveler’s camo
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot