It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security