Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
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ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.