@VerifiedDrunk
Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.
@ravenswng_
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
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@VerifiedDrunk
@sofarrsogud
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
@SvnSxty
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
@david8hughes
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@Tmoney68
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
@BoogTweets
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
@Cpin42
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
@greek_heanen
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
@clichedout
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
@LostFelicia
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.