The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

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Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.


ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?


Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too


Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti


[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.


Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?


Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat


The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater


her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side


The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.