The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.

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Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.


[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many


Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.


picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked


GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]


GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?


As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”


If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?


Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.


When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.