@mattgallo123

The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.

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@GingerHotDish

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

@Sal0630

Sorry I started singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the accountability meeting, but you said “easy come, easy go” so I just ran with it..

@Jay_FrickinLynn

*slams hands on table*

HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?

@djdarrellripley

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

@thepunningman

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

@datassque

white people get red in the winter cause the wind too spicy

@TheAlexP

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

@Bipartisanism

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama