@TheMichaelRock
Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?
Me: drugs.
Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.
@mattgallo123
The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
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@TheMichaelRock
@TheHatStore
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
@KoKeniSasquatch
Who the hell called them pot holes and not rodents?
@houffy
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
@radtoria
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
@chuuew
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
@mattingebretson
As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”
@GinAndJif
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
@byrdie_num_num
Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.
@WAYNES_O
When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.