@mattgallo123

The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.

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@TheMichaelRock

Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.

@TheHatStore

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

@chuuew

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

@mattingebretson

As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”

@GinAndJif

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

@byrdie_num_num

Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.

@WAYNES_O

When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.