me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same