Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I’M CRYINGGG
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.