I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
the greatest twitter interaction