“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
britain’s three elite institutions
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.