The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I embrace aging gracefully
With good humor
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today
me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you