@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

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@TheRobCee

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

@murrman5

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

@mydmac

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

@UhhhJasonWebb

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@lovstructionist

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

@liv_thatsme

trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you