The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
won’t smith
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!