“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
You Might Also Like
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.