The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.