The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
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Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Anyone really
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign