I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.