@TheBoydP

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

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@notfolu

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

@smoney12

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

@kenwhacksit

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

@nocturnology

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

@Mom_Overboard

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

@KeetPotato

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now