The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I’d love this…lol
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”