@HiddleDeeDee

The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.

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@ArfMeasures

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

@realHamOnWry

Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.

@Josievorenkamp

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

@Darlainky

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

@LlamaInaTux

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

@MicheleAKALips

Sometimes when I’m bored I send a text to a random number saying, “ok they’re dead, what do I do with the body?”

@samalmightysam

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.