I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
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Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.