[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers
Wife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
An issue that will unite all Americans
Sometimes when I’m bored I send a text to a random number saying, “ok they’re dead, what do I do with the body?”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.