The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.

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When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.


me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you


Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.


“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]


NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?


“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful


Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv


100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree


accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”