The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”