The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

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AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.


Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.


My kid keeps referring to himself as a human boy and now I’m starting to have doubts


Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.


“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.


Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?


I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.


god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ


Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.