The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You Might Also Like
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
was Jim off killing horses or…
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it