@HenpeckedHal

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

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@RobinMcCauley

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

@curlycomedy

Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.

@momjeansplease

My kid keeps referring to himself as a human boy and now I’m starting to have doubts

@thatUPSdude

Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.

@ArfMeasures

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

@ThePocketJustin

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

@Cheeseboy22

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

@andlikelaura

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

@ScottLinnen

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.