The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
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gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
🤣
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
This is me 🤣🤣
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….