The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
awkward
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
work smarter, not harder
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.