Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.