The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur