The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.


Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!


I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.


I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex


If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich


I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.


the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts


WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?


*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*