The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
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Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Always a metermaid never a meter
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?