The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
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My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Never be a pizza!
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok