The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that