Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
This is my brand.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*