@GingerHotDish

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

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@timdonakowski

It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.

@KevinBuffalo

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

@JoshontheGo

Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.

@hero_ofthenight

I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’

@VampireIguana

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

@AtticusFinch79

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

@poizngrl

ADHD in the streets

Naughty fr…so hey, does anyone want to play Sonic the Hedgehog?

@traciebreaux

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

@TheMichaelRock

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.