The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

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It’s okay if “buoyancy” makes you happy — whatever floats your boat.


My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter


Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.


I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’


Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally


<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor



ADHD in the streets

Naughty fr…so hey, does anyone want to play Sonic the Hedgehog?


Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up


I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.