My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.
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Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ???? ????????
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.