@daplusk

The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.

You Might Also Like

@LindaInDisguise

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

@ddsmidt

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

@andlikelaura

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ???? ????????

me: what

cat: meow

@HatfieldAnne

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

@BenjyHimmel

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

@aka_fatman

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

@CliffDuffy

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

@steveolivas

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

@POTerritory

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.