The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
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co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.