@sploosk

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

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@envydatropic

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

@nonchalantnacho

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

@MarfSalvador

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

@Thynebear

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

@juicymorsel

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

@Tommytoughstuff

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

@Breadery

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

@Ygrene

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@BiIIMurray

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.