@TheBeerGuy73: The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there's a mosquito in the room.
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@tweetsbyrocket: me: im terrified of random letters therapist: you are me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
@FrazzleMyGimp: ROOMBA: I pick up anything ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30 ROOMBA: No wait- [45 minutes later] ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
@Eightinchgoat: My neighbor seriously just asked me, "Does Canada have 4th of July?" I said "No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh? I need to move.