The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
No, I don’t think I will.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.